A little known scientist named Stephen McNally from a small town called Los Santos, California has recently modified a pig with a Greasy Grove burger and has given it the ability to fly. McNally used to live in Tilted Towers, but has since left due to complaints of excessive crime in the area, as well as lack of funding for his project. 

We would like to report that after two weeks the pig has learned how to fly and can move consistently at speeds of 80 MPH. Some sources say McNally is making more flying pigs with a serum he calls the slurp juice, we don’t know what’s in the serum but it seems to work since recent tests have shown more healthy pigs have been gaining the ability to fly throughout the week. A scientist by the name of Dale Sell, who dates Selena Gomez, has stated, “McNally is faking all of his work and claims pigs cannot, nor will they ever, fly.” Sell has been reportedly losing sleep over the animal flying race because he believed only cows could fly, but he has little to no success with his attempts at making his bovine lab assistants take flight. Sell was quoted saying “If you don’t think cows can fly, you’re wrong for so many reasons.” We asked Sell why someone may be wrong and he said, “Because I said so. Duh.”  

To wrap this up, McNally will be presenting his flying pigs this Friday in West Milford and proving Sell wrong. McNally said to us, “Sell is a silly little goose and I am going to prove it this Friday. Cows are simply too fat. They don’t have a good calculator and in general have a bad attitude.” We hope to see you on top of the high school where there will be a pool, food and drinks for those who come to witness history at the launch party.