Some shows such as “Lockup” on TLC show the reality of women’s prison. An original Netflix series, “Orange is the New Black,” is a comedy-drama about Piper Chapman, a woman who surrenders herself. Chapman has a very rough time adjusting to the new, minimal-security home of a jail cell. Hopefully we can learn from her mistakes, and form a list of things of what NOT to do if you ever end up arrested.

1) Don’t get on the cook’s bad side. On the series, Red is the head cook. When Chapman insults her food, Red decides to just stop feeding her since she doesn’t like what she is served. This spread quickly, and eventually none of the kitchen staff would feed Chapman. It’s true that jail food may not be gourmet, but it does meet nutritional needs. If you do not want to be starved in jail, never admit the food is bad. It doesn’t matter if the food is terrible, don’t let the staff hear you.

2) NEVER say you saw the chicken. If you are lucky enough to have outdoor privileges, you may happen to see a friendly chicken on the premises. If this does happen, congratulations! It’s a reminder that life exists outside of prison. However excited you may get, do not tell anyone about your magical experience. This will cause a controversy, and even a search party for this one chicken. Why would people care so much about a chicken? Well, this relates to the food. Red craved to make a chicken Kiev, but that is just a little hard to do without chicken. The women in the prison started going crazy and scanned the property for the chicken, so when it was not seen again Chapman was seen as a liar. She was even moved from her cell to a higher security section over this situation. The moral of the story; kudos to you for seeing the chicken, but don’t let anyone else know.

3) Don’t reject Crazy Eyes! If you ever happen to get your own personal Crazy Eyes, I’m so sorry. Crazy Eyes is an inmate who became obsessed with Chapman. Even though Chapman is engaged to a man, Crazy Eyes refuses to accept this. It doesn’t matter how sweet you try to sound, when Crazy Eyes comes to your cell holding flowers, just nod and agree. Even if you despise the person, just keep smiling. If you ever do reject her, just have some extra paper towels on hand.

4) Always wear sandals in the shower. This seems like common sense, but what do you do when your sandals haven’t come in yet? You create your own. Unless you want oodles of fungi and bacteria, cover your feet. If you have to strap paper towels to your feet with rubber bands, tolerate it. The pain of a rubber band digging in your skin is better than having some interesting things grow on your body.

5) Try out for the Christmas pageant! Being festive is fun, especially when it’s your one chance to get positive attention. There are always a plethora of parts, so even if you are not artistically inclined there is a chance for you. Also, just because you may be the most religious person in prison it does not imply that you will get the lead part. Doggett learned this the hard way, since in prior years she was a lamb and a donkey.

6) Don’t try to get hormones from the pastor. Being religious is allowed in prison, and the pastor may become your best friend. While having a Bible Study in the library, do not hint that you are very low on your hormone pills. The pastor will either be offended or admit they knew that was the original plan all along. On the show, the pastor is clever enough to see this was the goal. That is why when it is actually brought up, she brushes it off. Even if she wanted to supply pills, she doesn’t carry any.

7) Don’t go in the dryer. These are industrial, jumbo sized dryers that could easily hold a human. An inmate learns this the hard way, when she gets stuck in there. It doesn’t seem very comfortable, so please don’t make this a goal while you’re incarcerated.

8) The next one is not what to avoid in jail – it’s what not to do to avoid being arrested. Some people wish they were popular, just like Red did. While she was a free woman, she surrounded herself with glamorous women to feel included and powerful. Little did she know that the clique did not approve of her company. When Red sees the women going for a stroll down the street, she stomps up to them and pushes the leader. This high-class woman looked very violated. Not because she was touched, but because of what that push did to her body. Red mistakenly popped the leader’s breast enhancement, so she is haunted by that everyday.

9) If there is an inmate that resembles Taylor Swift in even the most minuscule way, don’t remind her. Chapman takes much offense to this, but rejoices that only a select group of people call her that – for one episode. Even though it was a very short kerfuffle, it still happened, but make sure you do not make it happen again. Also, if you yourself look like the country-pop-“who knows what genre this girl does now” singer, shave your head or dye your hair, try to hide the resemblance.

10) Finally, what not to do in prison. The bathroom is a disgusting place. Even in the high school, no matter when, there always seems to be that one girl in the stall for 20 minutes just texting while other girls actually have to pee. This is the same in jail. It’s true that phones are banned, but this one phone is hidden behind a brick. Once Piper found this, she had fun playing with the old, flip, pay-as-you-go phone. The owner’s reaction is a little predictable. If you’ve ever seen a high schooler get their phone confiscated, picture this but times three hundred, and there is her reaction. Don’t take the phone. No matter how much you’re craving technology, try to fight the urge. Then again, it may be funny to watch the reaction.