Facebook Messenger: Imagine this, you’re dating someone for some time, and perhaps things are going a little rocky. You’re browsing the internet or just happen to be within earshot of a neat push notification, and you get that little “bop-ding!” It’s a Facebook message. What does it say? “Listen, I don’t think this is working out anymore. I feel we should just break up.” This, to me, is worse than texting. With Facebook, you know when somebody is online, so you have to plan it out carefully. It isn’t on a whim like a text could be.

Tweet/DM: One hundred forty characters or less is more than enough time to break up with someone. However, you do have to account for the @ and optionally a #. What makes this so hilarious is that this is incredibly public with little to no privacy, depending upon your popularity. You could make it more private if you just direct message the person, though that wouldn’t be all bad. It’s about the same level as a Facebook message or a text. I suppose you could throw an Instagram direct message in there as well, you know, just to cover all the bases.

Email: You know, email, that thing you use sometimes for making site accounts or for work or something of the sort? In the real world, these things are everything. A majority of information gets passed around through important emails and things of the sort, and more often than not for spam,automated emails, and bots. However, most don’t use it for casual conversation. But imagine one day you get an email from your significant other.  You open the email, and voilà– it’s a break up message! It details the reasons for breaking up, whether in a polite way or a harsh way. The reason I think this would suck so bad is because it’s even more distant than text or Facebook message. It takes time.

Formal Letter: No, this isn’t like the movie “The Lake House”. See, you come home from school one day. You grab the mail, start sifting through the envelopes, newspaper, store circulars, the usual. Then you see a peculiar envelope, addressed to you. You walk in and open it up, and low and behold, it is a well-crafted break up letter, written in cursive and using suave vocabulary that you didn’t even know your other half could do. The best part about this is that it is quite possibly the most educated approach to a break up that isn’t face-to-face. The worst part, though, is between the time you mail that to the person and s/he reads it, you have to avoid him/her or something of the sort.

Aerial Advertising/Sky Writing: Ever been to the beach? Many people go at least once. When you go, I’m sure you’ll look up to the sky, hear the buzz of a plane engine, and see a small aircraft with an advert tailing behind it. The advert says, directed at you: “We’re done – (Insert Name Here)”. Imagine the effort the person took to get that written up there. I’ll do you one better! What about sky writing, where a plane flies in the sky, and the trail of smoke it leaves behind shows a message! The message? A break up. Arguably more effort has been put forth by the break-upper to get the break-upee to read this, just to break up with you. This means that they have spent money, time, and planning,  just to get you to read it. Tragedy.

Carrier Pigeon: Yeah. That thing nobody’s really heard of, that people once used to send messages. Perhaps you are enjoying your day; it’s a beautiful day.  The windows are open. Up and comes a street pigeon, real ratty lookin’, that comes to your window sill with a letter strapped to it. Confused, you read it, and surprise! It’s a break up message, in the best way possible way. Truly it would be a spectacle to have been broken up with via a seemingly ancient technique.

These are some of the worst possible scenarios I can see for someone getting broken up with.